Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Zombies--Pork--The Wonder Twins

After applying for a job as a comedy writer on a children's show, they sent me this questionnaire as a sort of mini-interview. I haven't heard back from them.

Maybe it really was for the Power Rangers.


QUESTION #1: Why do you feel you'd be good at writing for young teenagers?

Because I had a miserable teen life, and I always wished I knew someone funny, cool, and clever who would make me laugh and feel better about myself. That’s exactly what I want to do for your viewers.

Besides, my fiancée designs clothing for tween girls, so I’m already immersed in a world of pink frilly things and embroidered denim. Wee.

QUESTION #2: What do you feel are the three funniest TV shows of all time?

“The Simpsons” -- Recently the show has gotten a bit dog-eared, but there’s no denying the impact this yellow family had on TV, comedy, and culture at large.

“Seinfeld.” -- I’ve seen every episode at least three times. And I still laugh out loud every time.

“Monty Python’s Flying Circus” – Bizarre, brilliant, revolutionary.

QUESTION #3: What are your favorite TV shows currently in production?

“Arrested Development” – They throw away more one-liners than most other shows can even come up with.

“Battlestar Galactica” – Not much comedy here, but the writing is spectacular.

“The Daily Show With John Stewart” – It makes me laugh, and tricks me into thinking I’m smarter than I really am.

“Justice League Unlimited” – The writing on this “kid’s show” puts most summer blockbusters to shame.

QUESTION #4: What do you feel are the three funniest movies of all time?

“Monty Python and the Holy Grail” – I am in awe.

“Sean of the Dead” – I told my girlfriend it was a romantic comedy to get her to watch it with me. She was pissed when she realized what it really was, but she ended up loving it anyway. (Which is oddly analogous to our own relationship.)

“ This Is Spinal Tap” – Because it goes to 11.

QUESTION #5: What were your three favorite childhood TV shows? (can be animated, or live-action)

“Superfriends” – The one without the annoying Wonder Twins or the Scooby-Doo knock-off.

“The Muppet Show” – So much fun with felt. Beaker was my favorite. “Mee mee mee”—BOOM!

“The Electric Company” – A live-action Spider-Man is totally teaching me to conjugate. And, holy crap, is that Morgan Freeman?

(In a battle to the death between the Wonder Twins and a bottle of arsenic, who would win? That's right--we all would.)

QUESTION #6: How do you feel about your writing being rewritten?

I love it!!!

QUESTION #7: Do you have an agent? If so, what agency?

No agent. I hear they eat children.

QUESTION #8: Are you a member of the WGA?

Not yet. But I drive by their office building and stare at it longingly.

QUESTION #9: What is the UNfunniest TV show you've ever seen that most people regarded as very funny?

“That ’70s Show” – The foreign kid talks funny. Kutcher’s an idiot. And the sister’s a slut. Cue laugh track!

QUESTION #10: How do you feel about working late nights and weekends?

I already stay up late writing on weekdays and weekends. It would be refreshing to actually get paid for it.

QUESTION #11: Have you seen any current TV shows(live-action, not animated) aimed at tweens that you felt were particularly funny and/or well written?

I like “Goosebumps” because they take the show seriously. You never get the feeling the creators thought, “Screw it, it’s just for kids. Throw in some fake blood and make it up as you go.” It’s not really a funny program, unless you find humor in a grown-up being creeped-out by a kid’s show.

QUESTION #12: Have you seen any current TV shows (live-action, not animated) aimed at tweens that you felt were terrible? If so, which ones?

“Mighty Morphin Power Anything”

("Purple Grope Ranger ready for action! ... Why won't the other Rangers hang out with me?)

QUESTION #13: What are your main goals as a writer?

To entertain, to make people laugh, to make them think when they let their guard down. I also wouldn’t mind actually making a living at it. Are people allergic to paying writers in this town?

QUESTION #14: What really pisses you off? Your pet peeves.

Why the hell are there no left-turn signals on L.A. street lights? I come from Dirtpie, Texas, where people ride horses to work, vote Republican, and think indoor plumbing is “magic.” And yet, THEY managed to figure out the technological complexities of a flashing green light that keeps you from risking your life every time you want to turn left across oncoming traffic.

QUESTION #15: Have you seen any kids' TV shows that made YOU laugh? If so, which?

“The Life and Times of Juniper Lee” is funny and well written. Good comedic timing and delivery on the jokes.

I like “Kim Possible” for the brother and his pet rat-thing.

Can you go wrong with a premise about a tough, smart girl fighting evil with an inept male sidekick tagging along for comic relief? No, you cannot. Thank you, Buffy.

QUESTION #16: You may have answered this already in your last email, but have you written for any TV shows in the past? If so, which one(s)?

I’ve been hired to write features and optioned a comedy spec. Otherwise, I wrote an original TV pilot, and I got laughed at because of it. Does that count?

QUESTION #17: What are your three favorite restaurants in Los Angeles?

El Coyote Mexican restaurant on Beverly. The carnitas dish melts in your mouth. Mmm, melting pork flesh…

Marmalade Café in the Grove. It’s kind of girly, but my fiancée likes it. As a struggling writer, I’ve put her through enough crap. I figure I can sit still for a while in a frou-frou joint for her.

New Delhi Palace Indian restaurant in Pasadena. When you die and go to heaven, there is a never-ending Indian buffet waiting for you. Even though, you know, Indians are Hindu and don’t believe in heaven.

QUESTION #18: Are you a Mac person or a Windows person?

I grew up on Windows. But I eventually evolved into a Mac person. Macs are just more elegant, user friendly, and attractive.

I *heart* Macs.

QUESTION #19: Who was the youngest man to hold the office of President of the United States?

At 42, Theodore Roosevelt was the youngest man to serve as president, when he assumed the post after William McKinley was assassinated. Though, JFK was the youngest man elected to the presidency at age 43.

Is this a show about teen presidents?

QUESTION #20: You're late for work on a day when it's very important to be on time. You get in your car and realize your gas gauge is almost on empty. If you don't stop for gas, you can make it to work on time. But you know there's about a 50/50 chance you'll run out of gas on the way. What would you do?

1. I’d jump in my girlfriend’s car (she always has a half tank, minimum), and leave her my car.

2. On the way to work, I’d call her on my cell and let her know what’s what. Then hang up before she starts yelling.

3. Arrive at work on time and get a raise. (That’s why I had to be on time, right? Evaluation day?) After work, I’d buy two dozen carnations, a bottle of wine, and a bucket of chocolate to make it up to my girl. That’s an actual bucket made out of chocolate, by the way. I know where they sell those.

QUESTION #21: What live-action (not cartoon) TV show aimed at tweens do you HOPE this job is for?

Well, I hope it’s not for any show with the word “Morphin” in it, considering my answer to question 12. That would be…awkward.

Other than that, it just so happens I LOVE your show: “The WB’s Teen Hunk Prezidentz!”

QUESTION #22: Why do you want this job?

Because the opportunity to make children laugh for a living is too good to pass up.
Because I want to buy my little mom a little house, and prove to her that her faith in me was not misguided.
Because otherwise I’ll have to go to law school.

So, hire me or there won’t be children’s laughter, my poor mother will have no home, and there will be one more lawyer in the world. And it’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

(*The getting rewritten thing, if your joke is funnier, would I still get credit for it?)


At 7:29 AM, August 25, 2005, Blogger johneywarner22143857 said...

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At 7:58 AM, August 25, 2005, Anonymous Nel Pastel said...

Zombies are porking the Wonder Twins?!? Oh, wait ...

I should've known it would be too good to be true.

At 10:45 AM, August 26, 2005, Blogger Vampos Vulgar said...

Great Idea, Nel!

And thanks for your kind words, Spammer Johney. With your spammy ways.

At 1:13 PM, September 16, 2005, Anonymous Nel Pastel said...

I have a dream. No, not that kind of dream. It's a simple dream. A working-man's dream.

I see a day - maybe soon, maybe not - when Vampos POSTS MORE THAN ONCE A FRIGGIN' MONTH!!

Where are you, man? Still waiting for your lights to come on? My vicarious life is at a standstill!


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