Friday, July 15, 2005

Lesbians soothe my soul

My writing schedule

8 a.m. – Wake up. Calculate, can I sleep another 30 minutes and still get to work on time? Fall asleep sitting on edge of bed as I stare at my toes.

8:45 a.m. – Wake up again. Fuck, I’m late!

9 a.m. – Commute to Hollywood; hate on all drivers around me. “Yes, by all means, sir, cut me off, and by the way, fuck you.”

10 a.m. – Arrive at gay publication, where I’m the only straight editor.

10:30- noon – Edit book of gay porn. Is blow job one word or two? Check Stylebook. Ah, it’s two.

11 a.m. – How about buttcheek? Butt cheéque? Butt cheek! Thanks, Stylebook.

11:45 a.m. – Teabagging? What the hell does that mean, Stylebook…?


11:46 a.m. – Feel a sliver of my soul slip away.

12:30 p.m. – Eat lunch at my cubicle while I read screenwriters’ blogs where they complain about things like, “Producers are such assholes. They don’t get my vision. Should I accept an assignment even if I just don’t ‘feel’ it?”

12:31 p.m. – What…? What? No, you shouldn’t accept it. In fact, you should quit, leave the screenwriting profession right now. Jesus, God, Jesus, there were times I could barely pay my rent, and you’re turning down screenwriting work, sweet gentle Christ, who do I have to blow in this town to get a fucking major agent or manager or even an assistant’s cousin’s sister’s dog-walker to read my movie scripts!?!

Sorry about the "blow" comment—I meant “fellate.” I should know better.

12:32 p.m. – Another sliver of my soul slips away.

2:30 p.m. – Sneak away to the corner coffee shop. WRITE NONSTOP.

3 p.m. – Miss my family back in Texas. My niece must be so big now. Another sliver—DON’T THINK, WRITE LIKE YOUR LIFE DENPENDS ON IT.

4 p.m. – Get new book assigned to edit: “Ultimate Lesbian Sex Stories Involving Honey, Rope, And Low-Hanging Chandeliers, Vol. 2” Feel my soul healing just a tad. Yay lesbians!

6 p.m. – Commute home. “Yes, Lady-Doing-45mph-In-The-Fast-Lane, that is my middle finger being flipped at you. You may sit on it and rotate, or not, as you prefer.”

7 p.m. – Grab can of soup to eat. Look for can-opener. Fail to find one. Gnaw on can. Pound can on countertop. Attempt to open can with powers of mind. Put can back in pantry. Eat cheese.

8:17 p.m. – Don’t watch TV. Don’t watch TV. Don’t watch TV.

9 p.m. – OK, that’s enough TV.

9:20 p.m.- Seriously, that’s enough.

9:35 p.m. – Turn it off! I should be writing. Wait, so there are actually people TURNING DOWN writing jobs? The fuck?!?

9:40 p.m.- Read Why Television Sucks blog. Ha! Funny Lesbian TV Lady. Feel more of my soul come back. Yay lesbians!

9:45 p.m. – WRITE

10 p.m. – Still WRITING

11:30 p.m. – So tired…DON”T STOP.

1:26 a.m. – Eyes blurry…write

1:45 a.m. – Fingers cramping…wrt

2 .m. – Room getting draker… wrrt

red 53 a.m. lesbianz yay weeeeee…


At 12:04 AM, July 16, 2005, Anonymous Bambi said...

Hi there Mr. Sexy,

This is your beautiful big breasted girlfriend, Bambi.

I LOVE your blog almost as much as I LOVE you!!!

Talk to you later, Cutiepie,
Bambi *kiss kiss*

At 10:36 AM, July 18, 2005, Blogger Vampos Vulgar said...

Oh, yeah, somewhere in that schedule I also have to make time for my buxom lady, "Bambi."

It's terribly tempting to make a "thumper" joke here, but I'll refrain on the off chance her parents ever read this blog.

Loves you too, baby!

At 10:35 AM, July 21, 2005, Anonymous Rodney Lichtenstien said...

Her parents my not read this blog, but her brother Rodney sure make it simple, please refrain from ever making "thumper" jokes if I'm around the two (or either one) of you.

This blog is alright...but it could use a little spicing up...maybe I'll dig around on it and draw up a sexy new design for you. You know...if I have time.

I knew you worked for a Gay and Lesbian publication company, but had no idea you edited porn all day. I always wondered if people in the porn industry lost a bit of their sexual drive as a result of being exposed to day.

At 3:17 PM, July 21, 2005, Blogger Vampos Vulgar said...

Actually, that's true, my interest in gay sex is at an all-time low since I began this job. Not to worry, though, my interest in lesbian sex remains quite healthy.

Feel free to spice up my blog with your sexy, sexy designs. If you're not too busy shaving the wrinkles off Elizabeth Hurley's zombie-like face, that is.

That's what you do, isn't Mr. Lichtenstein? With Photoshop?

At 6:42 PM, July 24, 2005, Blogger John Donald Carlucci said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:11 PM, July 27, 2005, Blogger Bill Cunningham said...

You haven't been in LA long enough -- you still have slivers of a soul to lose...

In order to succeed at screenwriting you have to have the heart of a child...

I have the heart of an eight year old boy - I keep it on the shelf in a jar.

At 3:01 PM, July 28, 2005, Blogger Vampos Vulgar said...

Heart of a child, heart of a child. Hold on, let me check…

Let’s see, I have:

1. Baby soft skin


2. The eye of the tiger

Crap, no heart of a child. Can I borrow a cup of yours, Bill?


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