Friday, May 06, 2005

"Oops, I've lost control of my bowels..."

Jack Valenti, the former head of the Motion Picture Association of America, used to chase after people who pirated movies and sold them for $5 on streetcorners. Then he would rip out their throats with special James Bond villian-like mettalic jaws he kept in an office drawer for just such occasions. Allegedly.

Turns out Jack has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (I didn't realize they gave those out for throat-ripping). I know this because as I was walking along one day, a horrible stench assaulted me. Up ahead there was some sort of black crap all over a section of the sidewalk. As I got closer I realized it was...actual crap. Smeared all over Jack Valenti's star.

And this wasn't one of those accidental "Oops, I've lost control of my bowels as I walked down the street" situations. You could tell these feces were rubbed in there with passion:

"How do you like that, Jack Valenti? Do you enjoy shit smeared all over your goood name? What's that? You don't enjoy it at all? Ah-ha! That is precisely the point, Jack Valenti! How ironic..."

And the best part? Even with the stink and mystery globs all over the star, the tourists kept taking pictures of it as they walked by.

"Oh, look Janice, Jack Valenti. Wasn't he in Finding Nemo? ...Why does it smell like your brother Ted, the drunk? Hey, get down next to it, so I can get a picture."

That's how you can tell the tourists on Hollywood Blvd, they're always looking down (unlike New York, where they're always looking up). I've even seen them kiss Brad Pitt's star. You kind of want to warn them not to, considering. Yeah, you kind of want to. But then, you don't.

How ironic...


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