Wanted: Friend with penis

I've been in this city for a year and some change now, and Lord am I lonely. There is my girlfriend, the love of my life and best friend. But she doesn't have, well, a penis.

I feel she just can't get into the things I love. She's never cared for comic books, which were my only friends in high school and taught me everything I know about fighting evil. And the only videogames she likes have Italian midgets running around bouncing off turtles. Nuts to that, I want to shoot something's head off!

I need guy friends. I need to hang out with someone who will go to comic shops with me, who will see the latest wire-fu Hong Kong flick with me, who I can throw around script ideas with. Maybe we can even sit around and NOT talk about feelings.

In short, I want to play around with someone who has a dick.

Now, I happen to be the only straight guy in my office, so I can't really go up to co-workers and say, "Hey, you have a dick, right? You want to go do something fun?"

That's how misunderstandings happen.

The other night I met John Gulager, the latest director/punching bag on Project Greenlight. He was friendly, chatty, and surrounded by people who wanted to talk to him. Everyone from lowly casting directors to Miramax execs shit on this poor guy on a weekly basis. On national TV!

And he has more friends than me...

Uh-oh, a rather strange man dressed like a pimp just sat at the table next to me in the coffee shop. He's dancing in his chair and making faces. A 1970s funk tune plays from overhead. He just removed his bright purple coat. The fuzzy purple hat stays on. I can see out the corner of my eye, he keeps looking over at me.

I...I think he wants to make eye contact. I think he wants to talk to me. Now he's shaking his ass on the seat and trying to sing along.

You know what? On second thought, I don't need to make new friends. I'm good, thanks.